Question:
I stayed married to my husband for 17 loveless, violent and unhappy years, but I am glad to say that part of my life is now over.
I am happily remarried to a wonderful man and my only problem is the children from my marriage.
It seems I was too successful in hiding my bruises and my unhappiness as my children blame me for leaving my ex-husband, who ended up in prison.
I suppose I can’t blame them, they saw him go downhill after I left even though they were no longer living at home.
I wish I could have a relationship with them again – my son has had a string of unsuccessful relationships and my daughter is a struggling single parent.
Neither of them ever speaks to me, I get all my news through other people.
I’m probably indulging in wishful thinking, but I just wish I could help them both and that we could be a proper family again.
Answer:
If you’ve never taken the time to explain to your son and daughter what it was that kept you in that unhappy marriage, now might be a good time to do so.
Clearly, they are both old enough and have enough life experience to understand that things are not always what they seem.
It appears you built a facade of a successful relationship with your husband that they bought into. Now you have to build bridges instead.
This may well be as painful for you as it is for them, but I think you owe it to them to persist and try to be honest with each other.
Perhaps you could start by contacting your children directly, rather than through others, and let them know you’d like to talk to them about your relationship with their father.
You could offer to help in any way you can as well. Your daughter, for example, might appreciate help with her children and your son might appreciate the chance to talk – after all, you’ve been through an unsuccessful relationship.
It may take time before they respond, but try to contact them regularly. In time I hope things will begin to heal.